


"Hi, I'm Kylo Ren, and welcome to Jackass."

by radioactivesaltghoul



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, No Pregnancy, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Semi-Public Sex, Smut, Vaginal Sex, tfw you and your asshole friends all run a prank show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-12
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-10-14 21:33:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20607659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radioactivesaltghoul/pseuds/radioactivesaltghoul
Summary: Rey is just passing through a small town when she responds to the “we want broke idiots to join our crew” job posting on a whim. Naturally, she wants in ($3,000 per stunt? hell yes), if nothing else than to one-up their leader, some hot douchebag by the name of ‘Kylo Ren.’aka: TheJackassAU you didn’t know you needed.





	1. The Smut Hut

**Author's Note:**

> About a year ago I suddenly remembered that this garbage prank show called [Jackass](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jackass_\(franchise\)) existed and my reylo-obsessed brain went "smut? smut." Thank you WhatSorceressIsThis for betaing this for me. It's been floating around in my docs folder for over a year at this point so I think it's time to let it go.

_ ARE YOU BROKE AND STUPID? WE WANT _ ** _YOU_ ** _ TO JOIN OUR TEAM! _

The headline on the flyer caught Rey’s eye as she waited for the coffee from the tiny hipster cafe at the center of the town she was passing through. She snorted when she read the headline, but the more she read, the more intrigued she was.

_ We’re looking for a new member for our band of idiots as we film ourselves doing outrageous stunts and dares. We want to expand our team as we film the newest season of our TV show “Jackass.” If you’re dumb enough to think that this sounds like a good idea, call 610-555-2773. _

Rey had been driving for days, ever since she’d finally had enough waiting around in her shitty little town in Arizona. Nothing ever happened there, and she’d finally woken up one morning and decided that things weren’t going to get better if she didn’t get the fuck out of there. She hadn’t really had any particular destination in mind; she’d mostly wanted to get out and see the country before she figured out what her next steps were. 

She hadn’t taken into consideration the costs of highway tolls, food, and gas when she left, though, and she was starting to run low on money. Rey had never thought of herself as stupid, persay, but she was nearly broke, and she figured that what the hell, it wasn’t like she had anything to lose by calling that number.

“First Order Productions,” a man said on the other end of the line. “How can I help you?” 

“I saw your flyer in Maz’s Coffeehouse,” Rey said. “Are you still looking for broke idiots?”

“Absolutely,” the man said. “Can you come to Maz’s tomorrow at noon? She lets us work there sometimes.”

Rey hadn’t stayed in one place for more than a couple of days in a long time, but again: it wasn’t like she had anything left to lose by going to this interview. “Yeah,” she said. “Do I need to bring anything?” 

“Just come hungry,” the man said. “I can’t tell you anything more than that. What’s your name?”

“Rey,” she said.

“You got a last name, Rey?”

“Johnson.”

“Nice to meet you, Rey Johnson. I’m Finn Smith.” Finn. He had a friendly voice.

“It’s nice to meet you, too.” 

“See you tomorrow, then?”

“Yeah, see you then.” She hung up and let out a laugh. What was she doing with her life that she was even considering this?

* * *

Rey didn’t know what to expect when she walked into Maz’s the next day, but it wasn’t the sight of a couple of guys putting big bowls full of round white things on a table. There was a woman filling out paperwork, and another couple of people standing off to the side, talking quietly. The person standing closest to the door was fiddling around with a video camera. “Just what kind of interview is this, anyway?” Rey murmured to herself as she approached the guy with the camera.

“Uh, excuse me,” she said. “Are you part of the First Order Productions crew? I’m here for an interview.”

His head snapped up and he turned to face her. Rey’s first thought was _ Wow, he has nice hair. _ Her second thought was _ Shit, did he get that scar from this job? _

“Seriously?” he said as he looked her up and down. “You?”

Rey glared at him. “Yes, _ I’m _ the person you’re interviewing today. Are you part of the crew or what?”

“I’m not just part of the crew, girl,” he said as he stood up. Fuck, he was tall. Not that Rey was short, but he was _ massive. _ And clearly, he knew how to make that height work for him. He was probably used to intimidating people into doing what he wanted them to do. “I’m the guy in charge.” 

Rey didn’t scare so easily. She wondered if this was part of the job interview. Anyone who could be intimidated by this guy solely based on his size was definitely not right for the job, judging by the whole “we’re looking for broke idiots” pitch. “I spoke to someone named Finn on the phone yesterday. Are you him?” 

The man scowled at her. “Have you not heard of our show?” he asked. “Why are you even auditioning if we don’t know who we are?”

Wait. Audition? “I thought this was an interview."

“It’s an audition for a spot on the show _ Jackass_.” He said it like it should have meant something, but between school and work (and then later, work and more work), Rey had never had the time for TV back in Arizona. 

Rey was saved for having to respond to this as another man approached her. “Are you Rey?” he said, holding out a hand to shake hers. “I’m Finn. We spoke on the phone yesterday.” He grinned. She instantly liked him. 

“It’s nice to meet you,” she said, smiling back at him.

“Ignore Kylo here,” Finn said as he pulled Rey away from the scowling giant. “He thinks he’s in charge,” he added in a whisper. 

“I heard that,” Kylo said. Finn looked at Rey and shrugged. 

“So what’s the deal with this interview or audition or whatever?” Rey asked.

“Right,” said Finn, walking her over to the woman with the paperwork. “So, we run a TV show called _ Jackass. _ Our first season finished airing last month, and we’ve begun production on the filming of our second season.” When he saw Rey’s facial expression, he added, “If you’re not familiar with us, it’s basically a bunch of really stupid people doing really stupid shit on camera and getting paid for it.” 

“Paid how much?” she asked. 

“Pay starts at $3,000 per stunt, but it goes up depending on how dangerous the stunt is,” Finn said. 

Rey’s jaw dropped. “Three thousand _ per stunt_?” She’d never had so much money in her life.

Finn smiled at her. “Three thousand per stunt,” he repeated. “But,” he added, handing her a packet of paper. “You have to sign this in order to audition, which will go in the opening episode of our next season. You won’t get paid if you don’t pass the audition.”

Rey didn’t even think twice about it before she signed. Who cared if she didn’t pass the audition? It wasn’t like she had anywhere else to be, and there was no way in hell she was going to pass on the opportunity to land such a well-paying gig. Even just _ one _ paid stunt would be worth the whole ordeal. 

“Wonderful!” Finn said with a cheery smile as Rey signed the form and handed it back to him. “Let’s get you set up, then.” He led her over to the table with the bowls of white things and waved a couple of other people over. “Rose, Poe, this is Rey,” he said. “She’s doing the Fifty Egg Challenge with you today.”

Rey took a closer look at the white things. They weren’t balls, they were hard-boiled eggs. Dozens and dozens of hard-boiled eggs.

Rose and Poe greeted her, but Rey was still too busy trying to take in the scene around her. Kylo had put the camera on a tripod and was now leaning against the wall, staring. He raised an eyebrow when Rey caught his eye, and she felt irrationally angry. She knew that she didn’t look like much, but he didn’t have to act like such a dick simply because he didn’t think she was up for a challenge. 

Well, joke was on him. The “fifty egg challenge” was a dare to eat fifty hard-boiled eggs in under an hour. And Rey _ loved _ hard-boiled eggs.

* * *

> [Camera faces Finn]: Hi, I’m Finn Smith.
> 
> [Camera shifts and focuses on a young woman with a determined grin on her face]: I’m Rose Tico—
> 
> [Camera shifts and focuses on a man smirking at the camera]: I’m Poe Dameron—
> 
> [Camera shifts and focuses on a young woman glaring at something off-screen. She jumps when she realizes that the camera is focused on her]: I’m Rey—
> 
> [Camera zooms out so that everyone is in frame] Finn: And welcome to the Fifty-Egg Challenge. Rose, Poe, and Rey will be competing to see if it’s possible to eat fifty hard-boiled eggs in under an hour. Last person to vom is the winner. You guys ready? [Rose eyes the bowl of eggs in front of her, looking a little apprehensive. Poe winks at the camera. Rey grins.] And...start!

* * *

Rey stopped feeling self-conscious as soon as the timer started, even though she was embarrassed by the fact that she had been too busy glaring at Kylo Ren to pay attention to the camera for a second. She picked up an egg, glad that she’d forgone breakfast and lunch today. (Okay, so that was mostly because she was _ really _ running low on cash, but whatever, it had worked in her favor, hadn’t it?) She was on her fourth egg when she heard the sound of Poe throwing up, and she heard some cheers from the crew members hanging around off-camera. Rey had heard worse growing up in a shitty foster home, and anyway, she wasn’t going to pass on the opportunity to eat for free. She could totally outlast Rose at this egg challenge game.

Rose lasted until Rey was on her seventh egg. Rey waited for the retching to recede before she looked at Finn and said “Do you want me to just keep eating, or did I get the job?” 

“You’re hired!” Finn said through his laughter. “Welcome to the team, Rey.”

* * *

Three _ thousand _ dollars. Just for eating some hard-boiled eggs. And okay, there were a lot of other things that went into the job. As the newest member of the team, Rey was the lowest priority for stunts, and being a member of the _ Jackass _ team meant that she had to have a really high tolerance for pranks (she woke up one morning to the sound of heavy metal blaring three inches from her ears with a camera catching every inch of her bedhead and smudged makeup from the day before).

But she was surprised by how much fun it was. Granted, some of the stunts were probably going to result in someone’s death, but come on, getting paid three grand to play bumper cars with golf carts? Fuck _ yes. _

And the crew was great, too. Rey had never had a group of friends like the _ Jackass _ crew. Finn did a lot of the camera work, with Poe, Kylo, and a tall blonde woman who went by the name of ‘Phasma’ (no last name) performing most of the pranks. Rey gathered that they were the headliners, the “OG Jackass crew.” There were a few other people involved, like Rose, who was also new to the show, and a redhead who refused to tell Rey his first name (“Just call me Hux, and don’t ask why”).

Really, the only thing she didn’t like about the job was Kylo Ren. It was like he took it as a personal offense that she had joined the team, and no matter how many times everyone else reassured Rey that she was a perfect fit for the job, Kylo acted like she was going to be personally responsible for the downfall of the _ Jackass _ series. Rey hadn’t left Arizona just to end up taking shit from some asshole who thought that he was better than anyone else simply because he lacked the ability to back down from a challenge.

* * *

> [A man dressed all in black wearing a black cape and carrying a black bike helmet walks onto a dock in slow motion.]
> 
> [Off camera] Poe: It’s moments like these when you know that Kylo Ren is one gnarly dude.
> 
> [Kylo climbs onto the rocket with the help of a few crew members] 
> 
> [Off camera] Phasma: He’s going to go, like, sixty feet up in the air.
> 
> [Off camera] Rose: Stunts like these make me glad I’m not a headliner.
> 
> [Kylo, waving at the camera]: Hi, I’m Kylo Ren, and this is my big red rocket. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Go!
> 
> [Rocket lifts off a little bit, but then the top flies off and the rest of the rocket crashes back down on the dock. Everyone starts laughing off-camera. Kylo climbs off of the rocket and kicks it into the lake, cursing.]

* * *

And, like, it wasn’t fair that Kylo was _ so hot. _ The crew was taking advantage of the blazing July weather and had rented a lake house so that they could do a series of water-themed stunts, which had the end result of half of the crew walking around in swimwear at any given point in time, resulting in Rey spending a lot of time trying not to stare at Kylo’s half-naked body. Which was a problem, because a) he hated her, b) she hated him, and c) she had to share a room with Rose and Phasma, which meant that she couldn’t just whip out her vibrator and go to town as she was lying awake late at night, her skin feeling sensitive and heated as she tried and failed to stop wondering what it would be like to be underneath the wall of muscle that made up Kylo’s body.

(She hadn’t been able to contain her hysterics when his rocket stunt completely failed. Watching him lose it was probably funnier than watching the stunt go off as predicted would have been. Most of the cast took the job somewhat seriously—after all, despite the stupidity of half of the stunts, no one actually wanted to die—but Kylo took it to a whole new level.)

Rey couldn’t figure him out. First of all, there was _ no _ way his real name was ‘Kylo Ren.’ She didn’t have a problem with the stage names. She understood wanting to hide your real identity, and she was grateful that they let her just go by ‘Rey’ on camera. But Kylo acted like that was his real name, and she was tempted to steal his wallet just so that she could see what name he had on his driver’s license. 

Second of all, what bothered him so much about her? She tried to ask Finn and Poe one night over pizza, but they didn’t give her a clear answer.

“He’s a weird dude,” Poe said. “I’ve known him since we were kids. He’s just really intense when he cares about something, and I don’t think he’s ever cared about anything like he cares about this show.”

“Why do you care so much, anyway?” asked Finn, giving her a _ look. _

“I don’t,” Rey said quickly. “I’m just wondering why he acts like I killed his puppy, or something.”

Finn and Poe exchanged a look that Rey didn’t know how to interpret.

So Rey tried asking someone else. “Why is Kylo Ren such an asshole?” she asked Phasma while they were setting up for a stunt the next day.

“What do you mean?” Phasma asked.

“Everyone in _ Jackass _ has been so nice to me except him,” said Rey. “I don’t get it. How do you guys put up with him all day?”

“He’s just jealous because you’re actually able to keep up with him on some of these stunts,” said Phasma. “I wouldn’t worry too much about it as long as you’re not trying to take his spot. Or mine, for that matter.”

“I’m not,” Rey said quickly. “I’m happy where I am now.” Which was true; she’d only been involved with _ Jackass _ for a month and she’d already made $24,000.

“Then don’t worry about it,” Phasma reassured her.

* * *

> [Finn fiddles with the camera set up. He steps back, looking satisfied. The camera appears to be in the branches of a tree, looking at a little shack with screened-in windows.] Finn: I think that’ll hold.
> 
> [Laughter off-camera] Poe: Do you think this is really gonna work?
> 
> Finn [laughing]: Honestly? No. But as long as we get some funny footage out of it, I don’t care. 
> 
> [Off-camera] Poe: Well, hurry up, do the intro before they get here!
> 
> Finn: Hi, I’m Finn, and this is the ‘Smut Hut.’ 
> 
> [More laughter off camera] Poe: Oh man, they’re gonna be _ so mad. _
> 
> Finn: Our fearless leader Kylo Ren and our newest recruit Rey _ hate _ each other, so we’re about to casually lure them down to the clubhouse and lock them in, just to see what happens. 
> 
> [Off-camera] Poe: You realize that if Rose is right, we’re going to end up with amateur pornography on our hands, right? 
> 
> Finn: I don’t think Rose is right. I think they’re just going to fight. Her stunt title was too good to pass on, though. [Someone whispers off-screen] Oh shit, they’re coming!

* * *

“Where are we going, again?” Rey asked as Rose led her away from the main house. She just wanted to sit on the couch and watch whatever movie the rest of the crew was going to pick out for the evening. It had been a long, boring day of standing around while other people filmed, and she just wanted to sit her ass down and relax before her next stunt tomorrow.

“You left something in the clubhouse earlier,” said Rose, referring to the half-furnished shack that was part storage, part spare bedroom that the cast and crew hadn’t made use of because nobody wanted to sleep in what was more or less a glorified tent. Rose, Rey, and Finn had been rooting around in there earlier, looking for more pool toys they could use for another lake prank.

“I did?” What would she possibly have left down there? Her phone? No, she was pretty sure she left it charging on the kitchen counter.

“Yep,” Rose said. “It’s in there.” She pointed inside of the clubhouse. Rey could see the dying evening light coming into the clubhouse through the screen windows, but there weren’t any lights on inside.

“Okay,” said Rey. “Give me a sec. I’ll be right out.” She walked into the clubhouse and crashed into someone. 

A tall, muscular someone.

A second later, she registered the slam of the clubhouse door and laughter as a couple of people ran off. “We’ll be down to check on you in a couple of hours!” Finn yelled.

“Be safe!” yelled Rose before she collapsed into laughter.

“What the fuck are you guys talking about?” Rey shouted as she jumped back to pound on the door. 

“They’ve locked us in here.” The sound of Kylo’s deep voice made the hair on Rey’s neck stand up. “As a prank.”

_ This is not good. _“Some prank,” she said, trying to ignore the fact that she was locked in a small glorified tent with the hottest guy she’d met in a long time until their asshole friends decided to let them out.

_ Shit_. 

Was it too dark for him to see the way her nipples had hardened against the thin fabric of her shirt? She wasn’t wearing a bra, just the tanktop and a pair of tight athletic shorts. As long as he didn’t stand too close to her, maybe she stood a chance of not combusting until their asshole friends let them out. “But why…”

Oh. Oh no. Someone had caught on to all of Rey’s staring and was punishing her for it in true _ Jackass _ style. Had Phasma or Rose heard her moaning in the shower? “Oh, fuck.” _ ‘Oh, fuck’ is right, _ she thought with a nervous giggle. _ That’s the problem. _

“You think this is funny?” he said gruffly. 

“I don’t know,” Rey said. If she kept laughing, maybe it would distract her from the way her clothing felt too tight and the fact that Kylo was wearing a thin white t-shirt that she wanted to literally rip off his body. _ Fuck, I’m totally gonna explode before we can get out of here. _

“I’m, uh.” Rey had never heard Kylo sound so..._awkward. _ She stopped giggling and turned to face him. “I’m sorry you got dragged into this,” he mumbled.

She didn’t know what to say to that. “This is _ Jackass_,” she said. “This is what we get paid to do. Stupid pranks, like locking me in a clubhouse with someone who hates me.”

“I don’t hate you,” Kylo said quickly. Rey blinked. _ What? _ “They didn’t drag you into this because I hate you,” he added. “You hate me, though.” 

“No, I—” Rey had no idea what she wanted to say. The knowledge that Kylo didn’t hate her wasn’t helping the whole “wanting to literally rip his clothes off” thing. _ Just because he doesn’t hate me doesn’t mean he wants to fuck me as badly as I want him to right now. _

But apparently her stupid body wasn’t listening, because she’d moved so that she was standing in front of him, just a hand’s width away from him. “I don’t hate you,” she murmured. There was enough light in the clubhouse that she’d be able to see his expression if she looked up, but she was afraid to meet his eyes.

Also, the fact that he had about as much cleavage as she did and it was right in her face was _ really _ distracting. Would it be weird if she licked—

“Well, you should hate me,” he muttered.

_ Oh, for the love of— _”Don’t you dare start in with that ‘I’m so irredeemable and I can’t change’ manpain bullshit. You want to be a better person? Be fucking a better person.” She felt her eyes widen as she realized what she’d just said. “Shit, I mean, be a better fucking person.”

The ensuing pause was the most awkward silence of Rey’s life. Then: “Was that some kind of Freudian slip?” 

Leaning into the mistake was probably her best option. She was starting to get the sense that the conversation was headed in that direction, anyway. 

All the same, she wasn’t ready to concede completely. “Maybe.” 

“Are you trying to say you’re better than me?” 

She grinned despite herself. “Finally, you’re starting to catch on.”

Another pause. “Are you saying you…?” It was almost endearing, how cautiously hopeful he sounded.

Rey wasn’t in a patient mood, however. She was pissed off at their stupid friends for this stupid prank, and she was at peak sexual frustration. One of them had to just come out and say it. “We’re going to be stuck in here for at least the next couple of hours.”

“Right.” 

_ For fuck’s sake, _ she thought after another awkward pause. This was excruciating. “Look, do you want to have sex or not?” It was probably the least tactful thing she’d ever said, but it was too late to take it back now.

Luckily, it seemed to be the exact right thing to say to Kylo. “Want,” he managed to choke out. “Very want.” Rey was starting to wonder if his problem was just that he still hadn’t learned how to interact with someone he was attracted to. Because that would explain a lot. 

“Oh thank god,” she said as she dragged his head down to hers to kiss him. And _ holy shit, _ what a kiss. Not that Rey had a ton of experience in that arena (if you’d met the people living in her hometown, you’d understand), but she’d never known that kissing could be so _ good. _ She’d never understood the cliche of “he was kissing her like she was water and he was dying of thirst,” but that was exactly how Kylo was kissing her. 

“In the spirit of full disclosure,” he said as they broke apart. Rey was almost surprised to realize she’d wrapped her arms around his neck, like she didn’t want him to go too far away. “I’ve wanted to do that since you walked into that audition at Maz’s.”

_ What? _ “Then why the hell did you act like such a—”

“Jackass?” He grinned. 

Rey swatted his arm. “Very funny. I was going for ‘douchebag’ but yeah. What the hell, man?” 

“I don’t know!” he said. “You’re hot. I panicked.”

“For a whole month? Dammit, Kylo,” she said as he sucked at a spot on her neck. It was probably going to leave a mark, but it felt so good that she didn’t care. “We could have been doing this for ages_._” 

“I had no idea you were into me,” he mumbled into her hair.

She pulled back and forced him to look her in the eye. “I’m pretty sure Phasma and Rose set this up because they heard me moaning your name in the shower.” 

The expression on his face would have been comical if she wasn’t so desperate to finally see him naked. “Fuck,” was the only thing he was capable of saying in response to that. 

“Exactly,” she said as she slid her hands up under his shirt. “Shit, I can’t believe how built you are. _ Fuck. _ You have no idea how crazy it’s been driving me, seeing you marching around in wet t-shirts after all of the lake stunts we’ve been doing." 

“Probably about as crazy as it’s been driving me to see you in that tiny bikini you wear,” he said as she pulled his shirt off. “That thing should be illegal. It’s obscene_._”

“Are you complaining?” she asked as he tugged her shirt off, which made the whole ‘literally about to combust’ thing simultaneously so much better and so much worse.She needed more leverage. Not that Rey was short, but Kylo was ridiculously tall, and she wanted to get him down on the ground so that she could crawl on top of him and take control of the situation because clearly he was useless at actually interacting with someone he was into. “Also, can we not be standing surrounded by a pile of junk while we do this?”

“What?”

“Like, I don’t doubt your ability to pick me up and carry me somewhere because _ you’re fucking jacked,_ but standing surrounded by shit we could trip over is not an ideal position.”

“Oh. _ Oh. _ I think there’s a bed around here somewhere.” 

It was getting harder to see in the shack as the sun went down, but they managed to make their way to the flimsy little spare bed without tripping and breaking their necks. Rey pushed him down and straddled his lap without warning, sighing as she closed the distance between them and captured his lips in another kiss. He slid one hand up to cup the base of her skull and the other gripped her hip, pulling her flush against him.

Something squeaked as they shifted, causing them to pause. “I’m not sure this bed can hold our combined weight,” he said.

“I’m willing to push my luck,” Rey whispered, nibbling his ear. He shuddered, making her smile. God, he was _ such _ an asshole, but it sure felt good to finally get something she’d been after for the past month. She’d rarely ever gotten anything she wanted, and even though the circumstances were a little less than ideal, she wasn’t going to complain.

“I can’t believe you’re into me,” Kylo murmured as she sucked the spot below his ear hard enough to leave a mark. (If she’d been capable of rational thought, she’d have realized that walking out of the clubhouse with Kylo covered in lovebites was probably going to invite a lot of invasive questions, especially since they were both supposed to be on camera again tomorrow.)

“Oh no,” she whispered in his ear. “You’re mistaken. I think you’re a total asshole. I just really, really want your cock.”

He froze for a second. Rey wondered if she’d come on a bit too strong. But then he shrugged and said, “I’ll take it,” and she let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding.

Who knew that the simple sensation of being pressed skin-to-skin against someone else could feel so good? She was beginning to understand what people meant when they said that the skin was the biggest organ, full of nerve endings. It wasn’t that Kylo was particularly good at technique—his hands, lips, and tongue were everywhere at once, like he couldn’t figure out what he wanted—but his sheer enthusiasm was doing _ something _ for her, because she’d never felt like this, like a fire had been lit deep in her core. For all the time she’d spent fantasizing about him, she’d never counted on that. 

She had a feeling that neither of them was going to last very long.

God, the friction as she ground against him felt simultaneously _ so good _ and not enough. Her fingers fumbled for the button on his jeans, and he pushed her just far enough away to take over. Rey used the opportunity to remove the rest of her clothing, and she was about to climb back onto his lap and resume things when she realized that he’d frozen. “What’s wrong?” she asked, bothered by how self-conscious she suddenly felt.

“Nothing,” he said hoarsely. “I just wish that the lighting was a little better so that I could see you better.”

Oh. Rey was still self-conscious, but for a completely different reason now. It wasn’t completely dark with the bright light of the lamps that were all over the property, but it was dark enough to make details difficult to see. She didn’t know what to say to that, so she took Kylo’s hands and placed them on her waist. The words _ Maybe next time _ were on the tip of her tongue, but she wasn’t sure there would _ be _ a next time, considering how much they couldn’t stand each other. 

The bed squeaked again when she climbed back on top of him, but she barely noticed as she straddled his lap, her hands sliding down his chest as she kissed him. His hands slid up her thighs, one of them stroking between them. Rey groaned as he slid his fingers up along her slit. “Fuck, Rey,” he murmured. “You’re so wet.” 

She shifted her hips, trying to hint that she wanted him to move his fingers. “I told you,” she managed to say as his finger started rubbing light, teasing circles around her clit. “You’re the hottest person I’ve ever met. Even though you’re a total dick, I—_fuck_—I’ve wanted this for a while.”

“What, sex while locked in a shack because our friends are idiots?”

Rey paused as something occurred to her. “You don’t think—they didn’t set this up as a prank for the show, did they?”

He froze, then pulled his hand away from her. “No,” he said, not sounding too certain. “No, they wouldn’t dare.”

Well, he knew them better than she did. “I’ll take your word for it,” she said, putting his hand back where she needed it. He was going to make her _ come_, dammit, and soon.

Luckily, Kylo seemed to get the message much faster this time, and it wasn’t much longer before Rey was gasping his name as she came, fingernails digging in where she was she was gripping him around his neck. “Fuck, Rey,” he whispered, working her through the aftershocks. “You look so beautiful when you come; did you know that?” 

No one had ever said anything like that to Rey before. It was a nice thought, but it was rather jarring in the current context. _ Sex now; feelings later. _ (Assuming there _ were _ any feelings to be had.) Rather than figure out a way to respond in words, she kissed him to stop him from saying anything else confusing. “Just so you know,” she managed to whisper between kisses, “I’m STI-free and I have an IUD.” She prayed he was, too. Given that they hadn’t planned on this happening, she was pretty sure neither of them happened to have a condom nearby.

“Me too.” The words came out so quickly that she barely understood them. Rey did understand one thing, however:

“In that case… Raw me, Kylo Ren.” 

He inhaled sharply before kissing her in a very enthusiastic manner that Rey took to mean _ Yes, please, immediately, _ so she pushed him to his back before sitting up and sinking down on top of him in one slow movement. “_Fuck,_” she hissed as she took him all in. He responded with a garbled noise that she took to mean he felt the same. “I need—” she gasped. “I need a minute.” 

“Take your time,” he said in a rather strangled voice. “Fuck, Rey, you—_fuck_,” he gasped as she started to move.

It was a little awkward to maneuver at first, given the small size of the bed, but they quickly fell into a satisfying rhythm with Rey bracing her hands on Kylo’s chest to give her more leverage. Her nails were digging into his skin, but he wasn’t complaining. On the contrary, his hands were gripping her hips, helping her move. She was vaguely aware of the dirty things they were saying to each other, too focused on the building tension deep in her core. _ Shit, I think I might come from penetration alone, _ she thought at one point as he hit a particularly deep spot in her. That would be a first for her.

“Rey,” Kylo gasped, gripping her hips hard enough to bruise. “Rey, I’m so close, I need you to—Rey, _ please._” Something about the desperation in his voice was the thing to break her, and she let out a loud curse as the tension broke in her. A moment later, Kylo followed, cursing and stammering some gibberish with a meaning that was clear to Rey: _ Fuck, you feel _amazing. 

Rey’s heart was pounding, her breathing just as ragged as Kylo’s. It took them a minute or two of catching their breath before Kylo was pulling Rey off of him and trying to tuck her against his side, a difficult thing to pull off due to the size of the bed they were on. It was oddly endearing, seeing this giant hulk of a man reduced to a person in desperate need of affection. “I’d never have pegged you for a snuggler,” Rey said as they arranged themselves in some semblance of a post-coital snuggle.

“Do you want to get up?” He was trying to keep his tone even, but she thought she could detect the hurt underneath.

“Not a chance,” she sighed. This was...nice, actually. Surprisingly. Maybe Rey didn’t hate him as much as she thought she did.

They laid there in silence, Kylo’s arm around Rey as she was half sprawled on top of him. “How much longer do you think it’ll be before someone comes to let us out?” she asked. 

“Depends on if they forgot about us or not.”

“I don’t think that’s going to happen. You’re kind of hard to miss.”

“So are you.”

He was wrong, but this didn’t seem the right time to point that out. “Do you think we have time for round two?” she asked instead.

* * *

> [Camera shows a tall blonde woman standing next to a small razor scooter at the top of a rocky downhill path] Phasma: Hi, I’m Phasma, and this is Extreme Scootin’. [She hops on the scooter and goes down the path, tripping over a rock and flying off the scooter about halfway down the path]
> 
> [Camera cuts to Kylo Ren at the top of the hill balanced on another scooter. Like Phasma, he looks like a giant next to the scooter. He goes down the path, making it further than Phasma before he falls. He’s close enough to the camera to see little red marks on his neck.]
> 
> [Offscreen] Rose: You still owe me fifty bucks.
> 
> [Offscreen] Finn: I can’t believe you were right about that. We can’t even use any of that footage, and I still want to bleach my eyeballs from the little bit we watched.
> 
> [Rey is now at the top of a hill with a third scooter. She cheers as she goes down the hill, making it a little further than Kylo, who is still sprawled on the path, laughing. Rey also has marks on her neck. She and Kylo exchange a smile as she helps him to his feet. He doesn’t let go of her hand.]
> 
> [Offscreen] Rose: I can’t believe you didn’t see this coming. 
> 
> [Offscreen] Poe: Do you think we should tell them that we were filming?
> 
> [Offscreen] Hux: Nah. We can always use it for blackmail material later.


	2. The Off-Road Tattoo

> [Camera shows an open-top Jeep. Rey has a camera, Poe is at the wheel, Kylo is seated in the back with a stranger.] Kylo: Hi, I’m Kylo Ren, and this is The Off-Road Tattoo.
> 
> [Tattoo artist waves, holding up a tattoo gun. She says something the camera doesn’t pick up. A moment later, Kylo pulls his pants down low enough to show a stenciled outline of Darth Vader’s helmet on his ass.] Kylo: Ready?
> 
> [Poe starts the engine. Rey says something to Kylo that the camera doesn’t pick up, but the camera does pick up her blush.] 
> 
> [Camera view changes to Rey’s camera, which is now filming the tattoo artist shakily following the stencil as Poe drives through bumpy, dusty roads.] Rey [shouting]: I can’t believe you’re actually going through with this.
> 
> [Kylo is either laughing too hard or he’s in too much pain to speak] 
> 
> [Shouting from front seat] Poe: He’s going to have that for life, you know. You’re going to have to look at it every time you—
> 
> [Shouting through gritted teeth] Kylo: Don’t you dare finish that sentence.
> 
> Rey: I knew what I was signing up for when I agreed to do this!

* * *

Kylo hadn’t realized the full impact of having a fresh tattoo on his ass until hours later, when he and Rey had finally gotten away from the cameras for long enough for her to grab him by the shirt collar and pull him into a tiny breakroom at the office they were currently using as their base of operations while they made final edits for the next season of the show.

“By the way,” she managed to get out between kisses. “In case I didn’t tell you already, I think you’re kind of an idiot for this prank, but I admire the way you follow through with your plans.” It wasn’t the first time she’d expressed this sentiment. ‘You’re a dumbass, but your devotion to the prank is commendable’ was the unofficial motto of the show. “I kind of hate how much it turns me on.”

There was no heat behind the words; just a smile she was failing to hide. “Really?” he murmured. “Because I don’t.” 

She snorted. “Of course you don’t,” she replied, sliding her hands under the hem of his shirt. He still wasn’t completely sure at what point their relationship had shifted from ‘antagonistic, occasionally sneaking off to fool around’ to ‘actually, they had a lot of things in common, aside from the fantastic chemistry.’ Probably around the time he asked her to call him by his birth name, actually.

He wasn’t sure how long they’d have until someone came looking for one of them, but there was a certain thrill he and Rey got out of sneaking around like this. “How fast do you think you can make me come?” Rey asked as he reached for the button on her jeans.

“With my fingers or my tongue?”

“I don’t care, as long as you can make it qui—_oh_.”

Kylo took it as a good sign that she’d forgotten what she was about to say as he slid his hand between her legs. “Fuck, Rey, you’re already so wet.”

“Go ahead, stroke your—_fuck_—your ego.” There was no telling how thin the walls were in this building, but that didn’t matter. The quieter Rey was during sex, the more expressive her face was, and Kylo would have been lying if he’d said that he didn’t love watching her come.

“I’d rather stroke _ you_.” She let out a short laugh, and he couldn’t stop himself from kissing her again. Neither he nor Rey were known for their silver tongues, but he’d discovered that he liked making her laugh almost as much as he liked making her moan.

She gripped his wrist, urging him to speed up his movements. “Yes, just like that,” she breathed. “God, you’re good at this.”

“I’ve had plenty of practice by now,” he whispered in her ear. He knew how to draw this out, knew how to make Rey curse and practically beg him to make her come, but since she’d asked, he was curious to see how quick he could get her off. It wasn’t much longer before she was bucking into his hand, biting her lip as she struggled to stay quiet through her orgasm. Less time than he’d thought, then. He mentally congratulated himself as he withdrew his hand, making a show of licking his fingers clean. “Happy?” 

She was still breathing a bit hard, but she nodded and said, “Your turn.” She barely waited for a response before kneeling in front of him and undoing his jeans. Normally, he appreciated her enthusiasm in such matters. 

Normally, he didn’t have a fresh tattoo on his ass.

He yelped as his clothing scraped against the freshly-inked skin in Rey’s haste to get her mouth on his cock. “Jesus _ fuck_, that hurts.”

“What are you—” He saw the second it clicked for Rey. “Oh, shit.” She scrambled to her feet, babbling an apology. “Are you okay?” 

“I think so,” he said through gritted teeth. “I just wasn’t expecting that to hurt so much.” 

“Let me take a look,” Rey said, urging him to turn around. “I’ll be gentle, I promise.”

“Dammit,” he said, gingerly exposing the results of the Off-Road Tattoo prank. “This is going to limit our sex life until it heals.” He knew that was going to be an issue when he agreed to the stunt, but it hadn’t actually hit him until now. It was going to be at least two days before he could sit comfortably, let alone do anything else, and that wasn’t even considering the itchy stage of the tattoo healing process. He was almost regretting the prank, even if it _ had _ gotten them some really good footage.

“I’m not worried. I think we’ve both proven that we can get creative,” Rey said, staring at the garbled outline of a helmet. “Ben, this doesn’t even look like Darth Vader.” 

“It was never about the detail,” he said, although he was secretly a little disappointed that it had come out looking like a preschooler’s attempt at drawing a circle. Bazine was a talented tattoo artist, but there was only so much she could do in a moving vehicle. “Tell me the truth.” 

“I just did.”

“No, the other truth.” 

“What other truth?”

“Does my ass still look great with this?” 

She laughed, running her hands up along the sides of his body before pressing a kiss to the back of his shoulder, careful to keep from touching the fresh tattoo. “Not ‘does it look infected’?” 

“Does it?” He and Bazine had been very careful when cleaning up after they’d all clamored out of the vehicle. It was going to take a couple of weeks to heal, but Kylo was looking forward to it as a sort of vacation. They were almost finished filming for the season, anyway. And then afterwards, he and Rey…

“It doesn’t look infected,” Rey said, turning him around to face her, “and your ass still looks fantastic.”

“That’s a relief,” he said, smiling at her. 

They hadn’t talked about what they were going to do after filming for the season ended. Most of the crew took time off to relax and recover, flying off to the cities they lived in when they weren’t doing stupid stunts together. Rey hadn’t said much about her past, aside from “I’m from Arizona and there is nothing waiting for me back there.” He’d never been one to form attachments, but there was something special about Rey. Considering his initial reaction to her was making her think he hated her, however, he was worried about the best way to broach the topic of the future of their relationship.

“There’s another half to this stunt,” he said. “Do you want to be a part of it?”

She looked confused. “You already got a bad tattoo on your ass. What else could this stunt possibly involve?”

This was his opportunity, he realized and he prepared to launch into an explanation. “So, here’s the thing…”

* * *

> [It’s nighttime. Kylo, Rey, and Poe are standing outside of a house.]
> 
> Kylo: It’s been a couple of weeks, and the tattoo has healed pretty well, all things considered. 
> 
> [Poe has a coughing fit that sounds suspiciously like “Rey would know.” Rey smacks his shoulder.] 
> 
> [Kylo turns to glare at them for a moment before turning back to the camera.]
> 
> Kylo: We’re outside of my parents’ house. I haven’t seen them in quite some time.
> 
> Poe: Four years, to be exact.
> 
> [Kylo huffs.]
> 
> Poe: _ I’ve _ seen your parents more recently than you have. Your mom is going to lose her shit when she—
> 
> [The camera cuts out]

* * *

“I already regret agreeing to this,” Rey murmured as they waited for Kylo’s parents to answer the knock at their front door.

“What, you don’t want to meet your boyfriend’s parents?” Poe teased. 

Kylo would never admit it, especially since the cameras were still rolling, but he was already regretting this decision as well. His parents had never approved of his chosen career choice—never approved of anything he did, actually—but it was time to start making amends. Besides, ever since he’d learned that Rey didn’t have a family, it had been needling at him. Maybe he hadn’t completely forgiven his parents for all of the times they’d put their jobs before him, but he wanted to try to develop a better relationship with them. Rey knew that his relationship with Han and Leia wasn’t great, but she’d looked so happy when he’d asked her if he could introduce her to them as his girlfriend that he knew it was the right move to make.

That being said, he couldn’t resist doing it _ Jackass _ style. 

The door opened, and Leia’s shocked face came into view. _ “Ben_?” she gaped. Either she hadn’t realized the cameras were rolling, or she didn’t care. As someone who’d spent most of her life in the public eye, Kylo figured she was used to it. 

“Hi, Mom,” he said, the words coming out more quietly than he expected. Rey squeezed his hand, as if to remind him why they were there. “Can I come in?”

There was a long moment of silence as Leia took in the camera and the sight of Rey holding his hand. “Can you leave the cameras off?” she asked. 

Poe said something to Finn, who was holding the camera, and a moment later, Leia stepped aside to let Kylo, Poe, and Rey into the house. Finn said something about needing to deal with a camera thing, leaving the three of them with Leia.

They followed Leia into the kitchen, where Han and Luke were sitting at the table, playing a card game. “Ben?” Han said, standing up. 

“Hi, Dad,” Kylo said, waving awkwardly.

Han surprised him with a rare display of parental affection by pulling him into a hug. “It’s good to see you, kid,” he said. 

“Ben,” Luke said by way of greeting when Han let go of Kylo and sat back down. 

“Luke,” Kylo replied in the same flat tone.

There was a moment of awkward silence. He should have expected this, he realized. “Not that we’re not pleased to see you,” Leia finally said, “but why are you here? And why did you bring cameras?”

Kylo was at a loss for words. Luckily, Poe seemed to know what to say. “We wanted to tell you about a stunt we did before we put it on the show.”

This half of the stunt had been funnier when Kylo and Poe had discussed it three weeks ago.

“And,” Kylo said, looking at Rey. “I wanted to introduce you to my girlfriend, Rey.”

“Oh my god,” Han said, sounding horrified. “You didn’t—_tell me _ you aren’t going to release an episode of your show containing amateur pornography.”

Kylo had never even considered the fact that his parents might interpret this the wrong way. “No!” he, Rey, and Poe said in unison. Poe said it a little too loudly, leading Kylo to wonder not for the first time if there really _ had _ been cameras rolling the night he and Rey had gotten locked in that clubhouse together.

“Not that,” Kylo said. “Although we did meet working on the show.”

Han and Leia exchanged glances. “So what’s the stunt?” Leia said warily.

Rey nudged him. “You need to show them,” she said.

Before he could think too much about the fact that he was about to show his mother his ass, he turned and pulled his jeans down far enough to show the now-healed tattoo. “We did an off-road tattoo,” she said. “Can you tell what it’s supposed to be?”

“Oh, Ben,” Leia said. “You didn’t.”

“Is that supposed to be a dalek?” Luke asked.

“Clearly it’s a pyramid,” Han said.

Rey laughed as Kylo pulled his jeans up and turned around. “I told you it didn’t look anything like Darth Vader.”

“Unbelievable,” Leia said. “This is the first time we see you in seven years, and you bring home a girlfriend and show us the bad tattoo you have on your ass.” 

“Believe it or not,” Poe said to Kylo, clapping him on the shoulder. “They actually missed you.”

Leia shook her head before turning to Rey. “So, Rey, tell us,” she said, motioning for them to sit down at the table. “How did you end up with my idiot son?”

Kylo felt some of the tension in him unwind when he saw how easily Rey slipped into conversation with Leia. “Well,” she said, flashing him a wry smile, “it all began with a prank…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Believe it or not, they actually did do this on the show. This is based on two (horrifying) pranks, [Off road tattoo](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Invfp5FyQH4) and [The Brand](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOD_BpLQXa4). Watch at your own risk; both videos are gross and definitely NSFW.

**Author's Note:**

> Most of this is based on real Jackass stunts, but as far as I know, they never locked a couple of crew members who were desperate for a hatefuck in a clubhouse for a couple of hours.
> 
> Second chapter will hopefully be up soonish; it's mostly done.


End file.
